The Gottman Method

Core Tenets of the Gottman Method

• Love Maps: Understanding your partner’s inner world: their stresses, hopes, triggers, and daily experiences.
• Fondness & Admiration: Strengthening the foundation of friendship by noticing and appreciating each other.
• Turning Toward: Responding to bids for connection with presence, curiosity, and warmth.
• Managing Conflict: Softening start‑ups, staying regulated, and addressing perpetual issues with understanding rather than gridlock.
• Making Life Dreams Come True: Supporting each other’s deeper hopes, values, and long‑term aspirations.
• Creating Shared Meaning: Building rituals, roles, and a sense of “us” that feels grounding and intentional.
• Trust & Commitment: The overarching pillars that hold the relationship steady and secure.

The Four Horsemen: Patterns That Predict Relationship Distress

The Gottman Method also identifies four communication patterns that reliably predict relationship breakdown if left unaddressed. Therapy helps couples recognise these patterns and replace them with healthier alternatives.

• Criticism: Attacking your partner’s character rather than expressing a specific need or concern.
• Defensiveness: Reacting with self‑protection, counter‑attacks, or denial instead of taking responsibility.
• Contempt: Speaking from a place of superiority, sarcasm, or disrespect; the strongest predictor of relationship dissolution.
• Stonewalling: Shutting down, withdrawing, or becoming emotionally unreachable during conflict.

Therapy focuses on helping couples replace these patterns with healthier communication skills: gentle start‑ups, taking responsibility, building appreciation, and practising self‑soothing when overwhelmed.

If you’d like, I can also create a carousel‑friendly version, or write a companion explanation for Emotionally Focused Therapy so clients can compare approaches.