Understanding the Complexity of Relationship Abuse

Abuse in relationships is rarely straightforward. It’s not always bruises and shouting matches, it can be subtle, manipulative, and deeply psychological. While media often portrays abuse in its most violent and overt forms, the reality is far more nuanced. Abuse can be quiet. It can be disguised as care, concern, or even love. And for many, recognising it, especially while it’s happening, is incredibly difficult.

Abuse Isn’t Always Obvious

Abuse often begins with small, seemingly insignificant behaviours:

• Boundary Testing: A partner might push limits, ignore preferences, or dismiss feelings.
• Control disguised as care: They may set rules about who you can see, what you wear, or how you spend your time, under the guise of “protecting” you.
• Emotional Manipulation: Guilt-tripping, gaslighting, and isolating tactics can erode a person’s sense of self and reality.
• Escalating Incidents: What starts as a one-time “accident” or outburst can become a pattern, slowly redefining what feels normal in the relationship.

This slow progression is what makes abuse so insidious. Victims often internalise the behaviour, rationalise it, or blame themselves. The longer it continues, the harder it becomes to see the situation clearly.

It’s Never the Victim’s Fault

One of the most damaging myths about abuse is the question: “Why didn’t they just leave?” This oversimplifies a deeply complex situation. Victims may stay for many reasons:

• Fear of retaliation or escalation
• Financial dependence
• Emotional attachment or hope for change
• Lack of support or resources
• Shame or self-blame

Leaving an abusive relationship isn’t just a decision; it’s a process. And it’s one that requires safety, support, and compassion.

The Taboo: Love in an Abusive Relationship

It’s vital to understand that emotional attachments can feel all-consuming. The idea of leaving someone you care for deeply, even if they cause you immense pain, can feel like losing a part of yourself. In many abusive relationships, the victim is made to believe that this partner is the only person who will ever truly love them, flaws and all. That belief can be incredibly powerful and deeply damaging. But the truth we must gently remind people of is this: there is always someone who will love you exactly as you are… and that person should be you. Choosing to walk away from a harmful situation is an act of profound self-love, even when it feels like the most unnatural thing to do. There is immense strength in leaving. As humans, we often cling to what’s familiar, even when it hurts, because the unknown feels scarier than the pain we’ve come to expect. Your body adapts to stress and fear, it learns to survive in chaos. But survival is not the same as peace. You deserve more than just surviving. You deserve to feel safe, cherished, and free.

How We Can Support Survivors

To truly support those affected by abuse, we must shift our mindset:

• Listen without judgement: Survivors need to feel heard and believed.
• Avoid blame: Focus on the abuser’s actions, not the victim’s choices.
• Educate ourselves: Learn the signs of abuse, especially the subtle ones.
• Champion Survivors: Celebrate their strength, even if they’re still in the process of leaving.
• Share resources: Help connect them with professionals, shelters, and support networks.

Spreading Awareness Saves Lives

The more we talk about abuse in its full complexity, the more we empower people to recognise it in their own lives. Abuse thrives in silence and misunderstanding. By spreading information, challenging stigma, and offering unwavering support, we create a culture where survivors are not just safe… they are seen, heard, and valued.